Each day, hundreds and hundreds of people sightsee through Chelsea Market, located in the Meat Packing District of NYC. Yesterday I had the opportunity to do some sightseeing of my own while on my lunch hour. Nestled between the fish market and countless other stores in Chelsea Market, I happened upon a bookstore that quickly became my personal piece of Heaven. I absolutely love reading, and although I don’t do it as often as I’d like, reading always keeps me centered throughout the stresses of life. Browsing through the comic section, I suddenly had a feeling that I was being watched.
You know that feeling you get when you’re not alone, you just know that someone is staring at you. That’s the feeling I had, and I was extremely uncomfortable. Quickly I glanced to my left, then to my right, and sure enough, as I turned my attention to a man standing next to me, his eyes quickly darted away.
My first thought was, “why was he staring at me?” My next thought was, “is there something on my face?” My last thought was, “he must be looking at how ugly I look right now.”
I quickly put my book back on the shelf and left the bookstore feeling like the elephant in the room that didn’t belong in the sea of edgy, hipster New Yorkers around me.
But as I walked, lamenting on all the reasons why I wasn’t pretty enough, I had a revelation. Maybe bookstore guy was staring at me because he was awestruck by my beauty! Maybe, just maybe, instead of being disgusted by me, he was enamored.
My mind was blown…
My initial reaction or perception of myself was negative. The reality is I have no clue what he was thinking, or if he was even thinking or looking at me at all. But I realized that I projected my own insecurities on to him and how I perceived he viewed me. He didn’t reject me, I rejected me.
Say what?!
My mind is still blown! How many times have I done this? How many times have I said, “he wouldn’t be interested in me.” Or, “I’m not his type.” Well, maybe, I am?
I learned something about myself, yet again….and I’m sure I’ll continue to learn as I journey throughout life. This lesson surprised me, made me sad, and encouraged me all at the same time. I was surprised because I didn’t realize how deep/instinct my insecurities were. Sad because no woman, or man, should ever have these thoughts about themselves. Encouraged because now that I’ve identified this ‘problem’, I know it can be fixed, starting by being vulnerable and writing this blog post. They say the first step to change is acceptance. I’ve accepted that I’m not perfect, I’m flawed just like everyone else: physically, mentally, emotionally = humanly. Now I’m changing to embrace all the flawed things that make me beautiful….including things that I might not even know yet.
Have you ever disqualified yourself based on your insecurities? Your answer might surprise you…
Until Next Time,
<3
