I recently went through a bad breakup — but not in the way that you think…
It was a relationship that took years to grow and nourish, taking the time to discover all the intricate things making up who we are. It felt like I knew everything there was to love about this person, but then somehow, I found myself questioning whether I ever fully knew this person at all.
This person who once made me feel so much love left me in a season of mystery and confusion.
This person…was me.
I know, I know. You’re thinking, “How could someone fall out of love or break up with themselves? That’s just not possible.” And you’d be right. But, it can happen. And for me, it did.
This is something that I’ve questioned whether I should share on the blog, hence, my absence these past two years. But I’m sharing it now, not because I need attention or as a cry for help, but because I know that I can’t be the only person who ever felt this way.
I’m a firm believer that the first step to healing is being able to acknowledge how you are feeling. For many, including myself, this is the hardest step to make. We’ve become good at pushing through the hard times, that we fail to realize OR should I say, refuse to realize that sometimes life can weigh us down to the point that we forget who we are and what we are capable of doing…
And that’s where I’ve found myself…
There’s so much that went down these past 2 and a half years:
• The Pandemic — something I’m sure we can all agree was traumatizing on so many levels. I’ve lost loved ones and friends that I wish I could get back every day.
• I had surgery and broke my leg. While on purpose to fix an alignment issue, it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and while I’m blessed to be better now, it’s not perfect.
• I’ve gained weight from said surgery, so now none of my clothes fit. This may not seem like a big deal in the long run, but can be challenging mentally when so much of your insecurities growing up were centered on this topic.
Somewhere amidst all these things, I’ve lost touch with who I was and what made me happy and in tune with who I am. I’ll share more in detail later, but I’ve found myself asking how I could allow this to happen.
Here I am, The Pink Caboodle who spent years encouraging others to love and celebrate who they are, not able to do that for myself.
I don’t want to be the woman who talks about Body Positivity and Confidence, but not be able to practice what she preaches. I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
But I think somehow this was part of the problem. Its funny how even though we live in a world full of color, we often tend to make things black or white:
There’s stop and go.
There’s yes and no.
There’s wrong and right.
We fail to remember, that there isoften so much more in between, and what makes it all work is being able to find balance.
Being body positive doesn’t mean that I always feel good about myself.
Being confident doesn’t mean that I always feel courageous.
In my opinion, being body positive also means being able to acknowledge when you’re just not feeling like yourself. Why? Because acknowledging these feelings allow you to care for yourself by healing the areas of life that cause pain.
I guess in a way, this leads me to why I started the Pink Caboodle in the first place. I wanted to create a place where body positivity could be discussed in an open and honest way. A place where women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds could come together and share their thoughts on what it means to love yourself, how they found that confidence within themselves, and how we can use these feelings of self-love as tools for healing.
It was always about sharing the journey.
The funny thing about journeys is that they are never a direct trip from purpose to promise.
When we’re in the thick of things, it can be hard to see the purpose of why we must experience what we’re going through. It never makes sense when the pain is fresh.
There is a purpose to everything, we just have to allow ourselves the time and the space to process what we need to learn when in such seasons.
That’s where I am now…just learning to appreciate the journey, and learning to discover, embrace and love myself in the process.
So yes, I recently went through a bad breakup. But, the beautiful thing about the ending of one ‘relationship’, is that it can lead to a new and stronger love…
xo,
Maya
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